Jun. 24, 2012

oldmonk's bare bones draft review

I went to see the Jerry Seinfeld show at the National Arts Centre in Ottawa, Ontario on June 22nd, 2012.

Start time? 9:30 PM.

Moms wanted to do dinner with the fam first. Allegro's on Preston.

Start time? 6 PM.

This means I don't get to watch the draft when it begins live from Pittsburgh, Pencilvaynia at 7:00 PM. Allegro's is shit for draft watching. First of all, it doesn't even have a TV(!) Shoulda gone to Big Rig's, Ma.

Seinfeld is hilarious. He does 100% new material. I've memorized that "I'm telling you for the last time" CD to high heaven. My dad always had it in the car. New stuff from Jerry, nice one. Good bit about how it would be funny if the e-mail man existed, much like the mailman in fact does exist. He then went on to conclude that the e-mail man would just be a fat slob that lives in your house and constantly bugs you about boner pills.

So the point is I made it through the entire night without hearing a single whisper about the draft. Avoided all TVs, all forms of conversation with "outsiders", and made it through the evening. I had recorded the entire draft. I sat down to watch this thing, and boy was I in for one eventful ass nighhhht.

The first three picks went pretty much exactly as expected. I thought Tambellini might move down though, considering his talk during the day about being able to finally draft for need. Rielly to the Leafs at #5 was a good pick if they really like him that much. But I will say this: for Burke to come right out and say that they would've taken Rielly at #1 overall was ridiculous.

Is it just me or did every other team in the NHL draft fucking horribly? It just seemed like this draft had more reaches than a toothbrush aisle. Lindholm at 6? Koekkoek at 10? Jankowski at 21? Gutsy move to just identify which guys you want and then take them regardless of position, but man...trade down! Shitsburg fans also booed every. single. pick. like. donkies. Don't even try to boo like us Pittsburgh fans, you will never boo like Sens fans boo.

But the important thing is that Ottawa once again kicked in the door and straight homi-hom'd this draft.

Very limited and crap analysis on the Sens picks:

Cody Ceci: Had to take him. Teravainen or Maatta would've been just fine too, but you gotta take this Orleans movie-theatre-swarm hoodlum. Nice looking family, dad played CFL ball. Sis is a fox. Mommy b tight 2. This guy put up the best numbers of any defenceman in a major junior league, and that sits well with people. Was very happy to get him. The reaction from his cheering section was hilarious. I hope he has a long and happy career here in Ottawa. Adam, get this guy on Twitter. Oh yeah, Seinfeld also had a bit about how birds were the original tweeters. #Sex #Worms #GottaHaveIt.

Jarrod Maidens: Initial impression was that he looks like a younger, tougher Conan O'Brien. I guess Maidens was originally a top 30 guy, but fell in the draft due to a concussion. But there's an interview with him up on SensTV and this kid seems determined to prove his naysayers wrong. He's saying shit like "I hated waiting that long to be called" and "I won't let the organization down". Again, good things to be hearing from a young player.

The Goalies: I think that Sens scouts were originally gunning for local 6'2"goalie Daniel Altshuller. However, he went to Carolina seven picks prior to the Senators' first pick in the third round. We took Chris Dreidger as a result. I don't know much about him, other than he played for the Calgary Hitmen. Francois Brassard, son of the Le Droit sports editor, was picked 166th overall, giving us two goalies. Hard to see them beating out Lehner or Bishop for the starting job, but good to bolster what has traditionally been a shit position for the Sens.

Mikael Wikstrand: For whatever reason I feel like this kid will end up being a roster player one day. I just have that hunch, based on nothing other than yet another SensTV interview. Our scouts said they received calls from the Wild and someone else to trade for their 7th round pick, but we were like nah we want Wikstrand.

Robert Baillargeon: Product of the USHL, seems like a little forward with good passing and above average skating. Needs to work on his overall hockey game in order to be successful. If he works hard, he can be a good player, he just needs to have the desire. He is a smart player. I'm trying to ramble on without actually knowing or saying anything about Robert Baillargeon.

Timothy Boyle: Oh, this sounds like a nice boy. Timothy? Cuuuute! A product of Nobles(?) high school and taken at 106th overall, Tim is the brother of current NHLer Bria........................GET THE FUCK OFF MY TEAM YOU FUCKING BLOOD FART. IS THAT A PIMPLE OR A BOYLE?? MY GOD, 13 CHILDREN IN THIS FAMILY? WHAT A TRASHBAG FREAK SHOW. GET BACK UNDER THE BRIDGE WITH YOUR BROTHER YOU SCAB.

Thanks for reading, Jaker. We've met our posting quota for the year.


  1. FIRST :)
    I like your writing holmes...keep it up!

  2. Instant fan...Keep it up!

  3. Poor Timothy - though I don't blame you for your reaction. It shares only a little bit of the feeling that Devils fans must have thinking of the fact that their team's first round draft pick this year is none other than the son of the man who scored the infamous 2OT goal in the '94 Conference Finals. (Although this allowed some wit on PuckDaddy to say that Matteau was living up to his end of the bargain: he gets his name on the Cup, and his firstborn son is given to the Devils).

    This was great! I can't wait to see more.

    1. I didn't realize that about Matteau. Haha, a bit of the old Rumplestiltskin effect - giving away the first born in order to win the cup. Mannn, they need to make an updated new-school, creepy ass horror movie about Rumplestitskin. Thanks for the comment JonathanA!

      Oh and for the record, I don't actually feel that way about Tim Boyle. If he can help us win, then great. I'm just casting stones from behind the comfort of the internet.

  4. Hahaha another awesome one. Need some drunken recaps of Sens development camp. P.S. did you guys realize your Zibanejad 360 spinaroma pass video has over 20,000 views on youtube?